Sleeping On My Thoughts

I am so sleepy...


Lack of hours to tend to my sheep while I am quiescent...
but my awaking hours I tend to certain bed sheets where he sleeps imbued with his essence. I am not complaining, I am just entertaining the idea of sleep, slept, sleeping.


Eyes heavy as they close, I see nothing that contains clothes.

The hour lead me straight to his bed, as we discussed and we role played in our heads the minute we would lie about time, where and with who and lay in his bed
giving hours of pleasure, head, face, mind, speech, sounds, words, love and confusion...arising and disillusioned, content and become...becoming, became.


Our rima oris has come together closing the gap of where speech escapes
and for a long moment I relapse to be entranced in his aura---

There is no ignoring us the universe has focused in,
allowing us to reclaim our space even for a moment of selfish weakness of pure delight...or bittersweet lovers ignorant to what is to be uncovered in zen.
Still I let him pretend to love me and give me straight sin....

It's becoming acceptable for you to be attracted to us...

Although, I never had an issue with being voluptuous.

I've always been curvy and super thick and the fellas loved it.

I see you looking, hard to ignore the dimensions of my figure.

The way I walk, waddle or my hips move.

Beautiful girl sway and confidence is spewed.

Obviously, she is confident...

comfortable with her size.

Whud up shorty, g'damn you thick....

My reply:

Rolls of eyes...

Depending on the swag I might reply:

With something fly...

Something poetic

some hood ethics...

Nah, I don't want to hurt them to bad.

I see you looking feeling like you ain't suppose to be.

Yea, she cute, thick maybe even sexy...

Isn't sexy suppose to be a smaller size?

But she got more than a little bit...

But damn she is super sized.

The thoughts roll thru his mind...

As he feast on me with his eyes

In awe with these massive thighs.

He doesn't understand what he is feeling.

Normally not attracted to women of size.

He stands behind me in line,

I can feel the heat of his nerves...

outlining my curves...

...so I turn and wave to see if he is still looking

and he was still looking.

It's acceptable to be attracted to women of size.

Don't be surprised if you are too!

"Boxing Air"

Today I feel like I can't breathe.
Every part of me feels deprived of something I need.
It's been two days since I've eaten and laid to rest my weary heart.
I don't feel torn apart--
That's the odd part.
Then again with all the evidence collected...
It's natural to feel neglected.
Pushed out, shoved out, walked out.
Keep walking because abandonment to each others
is not what I signed up for.
Although admitting my faults---you can never hold a candle
to what lies beneath in those dark parts you claim is truth.
Prayer speaks volume---
The angels can't hear you, they've blocked you out,
every time you think you reach a point of blessing,
More like someone has cop'd you out.
Walk alone; not standing on anyone's feet...
then pray for blessings before you go posting
for sympathy on FB!
Yes, I love, loving, loved you...
that's my bad for letting you do unto me what no man has.

..to be cont...

Pensive Moment...

I am to believe that all achieved is beneficial.
Who am I to benefit the goods that God has bestowed unto me.
Pay it forward in ways and varieties...
Then the unseen is what is given to me.
The fight, the struggle and the maintenance is what produces heart;
and faith is the sister of karma.
Do I really think I do this all on my own?
I never walk alone...
Steady hand but never being able to draw a straight line.
Am I lying? No!
Do the days bring back days of the day's I felt like dying?
No!
I cherish life like the deserts love the rain,
like passion and pain co-exist and meet at the prelude to exist.

...and this is where I meet my heart's lover.
Took some time to be discovered---kicking and screaming
you could not have what I promised to my one true lover.

Bring me back to life and give me back my lungs to breath...
no more rolling tree's and sitting for hours laughing and potentially
losing all that is important to me.

Take me where the treasured moments are.
Far from this mental in the dark.
Closer to that internal spark.

I wanted to gift you the most innocent part of me.
The untouched version of me.
The intimate, intellectual, un-bulletproofed me.

For a moment I fought the me who denied the love you we're gifting.
I could not comprehend how one person could love until wits end.

Until I met you and you brought the main subject and the main character to life...
reminding me of how special I am in real life, mother and wife.


....end of thought! =)

N.I.A

Obsessed with my becoming vane

Combined with my bloodline---insane

I am compared to a dramatic entity

Psycho tendencies based on a dense person’s insecurities.



Realizing I’ve done well not have fallen far from grace,

Maybe landing on my knees but never flat on my face.

On and on and you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

Render myself disengaged and blissfully ready to act my age.



I won’t take the joys of joy and the love from love…

But all else you FAIL miserably you are not what a man should be.

I might not be what a woman should be either,

Between me and you I have a better chance of getting

the scissors out and cut the set backs away and making my own human glue.



I don’t need another person to mark the steps for me and set me adrift

I uplift myself and make my own path and gather the sands of time

To build my castle in the sky…

I admit I have foolishly loved a boy who was masked as a man,

But none the less love is the word.

I made it this far with suffering my first heartbreak from a boy…

But again I did not cry over how someone could not love me

Protect me and provide for me…



I am who I am and hands down struggle to find myself in order

To be the best me, but in the end I am left with nothing

But myself, right back where I began…

And for that I will be just fine.

Take a hard look at yourself and the way you have lived…

---proud you are, to use females and with that playalistic linguistics

Will not get you far…

You say I sell wolf tickets, in my opinion at least the tickets I sell

Can become reality and some will line up to purchase them

In the event they will appreciate the “Nia” Show.



I do not pray on your demise, I pray you open your eyes…

…and you are blessed with all that good parts of you deserve.

I hope you never have a daughter and have her endure

What you have done unto others…

I have so many things to be repentful for, but for that I will repent

And not repeat what I neglected.



I have to thank you for showing me how to love…

…and teaching me that listening to my heart and intuition is true.

You can deny it all you want, but when I stand in front of a podium

Speaking my truth to people and HE who see’s it all…

It is not me who will emotionally have a rise or fall…

I will be proud to say I been through it all!

From birth to my rebirth, I am stronger then ever…

…not you or no one but God and love me better

And the monster that sleeps with you inside your head

And eats at your heart and demons the bind you will

Be there until you realize where you need to be.

You are my one love and I can honestly say

Has shown me how to be independent and open to love.

For that I give my utter thanks and appreciation…

But goodbye for now but never forever…

SO-LO

Edit
"Soul Low" aka Solo
by Lovinia Angela Rodriguez on Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 9:38pm

Here goes nothing,



A drop of the clear salty saline solution secreted by the lacrimal glands

is the theme of today's emotion and the subject at hand.



I have no shame in saying I've cried oceans...

A river is too small for the pain of it all.



I realize I hurt so bad

because I love so hard.



I love so hard

because I need it bad.



Bad, is never good...

and well something good is not always good for you.



My eyes are swollen shut and my ears are ringing...

Heart pounding, soul alone...yea so alone...soul low...I want to live solo.



I have never been the one to let certain things bury me...

but even my heart is scared of me, my minds eyes...

that wisdom that lurks inside.

Dark and uneasy to please...feed me knowledge

and water me with tears.

Watch me grow...after all these years...

I want to be solo...but right now my soul is low.



I see the places I've been

familiar with the places I need to be.

phantasmal and cosmic energy...

Displaced again because of earthly tragedies.

Unhealthy thoughts ravish me to replace...

the peaceful feeling you pretended to gift me.



Now I rather take the pain which is the truth,

use it, flip it, grow and create something the

whole world can habituate...



Your emotions are still local.

The more I become vocal

the less you become heard.

The more I hear you,

the less I care to be near you.

The you I use to love

I could care less to be near you.

Careless you with no Lovey...

I can no longer hear you...

...look around I am no where near you!

Changing...

This is going to be utterly fun!
To watch me transform into a new one and bits of the old one
but none the lesser fun!

My intimate journey of becoming the one and only me, unhinged from
biological tragedy.

I choose me and my only love everything else falls below.

I gave you many chances and a million warnings.
This is not a woman's threat this is psychometric test.

Pass or fail I am no longer your teacher.
Don't blame it on me for all those lame ass grievances.

I never graded you based on your intellect nor did I grade based on
the hexa you give to me because with that direct disrespect
you would hate me.

I care for you too much to directly insult you---
but you revolt me to the core...now I think it's about time to even the score.

You are suppose to be family to me, always praising me on how
genius I am, how I handle men and how I demand to be who it is I am.
Always using me for your sorry schemes and worthless plans.

In the end you wind up dead to me like we aren't even fam.
Can't cry you a river because you always were threatened by me
because HE raised me.

Now back to this changing of "wo"man, I will no longer extend my hand for no man or woman.

This is going to offend some of you as it always has, but I am contriving something magnificent beyond your simple mind and fake ambitions.

In this new agreement is an attrition, to hold me sound to
recognition of my new decisions.

My heart no longer beats the same because pain and adversity had torn the
phila out this part.

I don't love you the same...as the days pass you will fade away---
I cast you off internally now I crusade on to shut you off permanently.