N.I.A

Obsessed with my becoming vane

Combined with my bloodline---insane

I am compared to a dramatic entity

Psycho tendencies based on a dense person’s insecurities.



Realizing I’ve done well not have fallen far from grace,

Maybe landing on my knees but never flat on my face.

On and on and you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

Render myself disengaged and blissfully ready to act my age.



I won’t take the joys of joy and the love from love…

But all else you FAIL miserably you are not what a man should be.

I might not be what a woman should be either,

Between me and you I have a better chance of getting

the scissors out and cut the set backs away and making my own human glue.



I don’t need another person to mark the steps for me and set me adrift

I uplift myself and make my own path and gather the sands of time

To build my castle in the sky…

I admit I have foolishly loved a boy who was masked as a man,

But none the less love is the word.

I made it this far with suffering my first heartbreak from a boy…

But again I did not cry over how someone could not love me

Protect me and provide for me…



I am who I am and hands down struggle to find myself in order

To be the best me, but in the end I am left with nothing

But myself, right back where I began…

And for that I will be just fine.

Take a hard look at yourself and the way you have lived…

---proud you are, to use females and with that playalistic linguistics

Will not get you far…

You say I sell wolf tickets, in my opinion at least the tickets I sell

Can become reality and some will line up to purchase them

In the event they will appreciate the “Nia” Show.



I do not pray on your demise, I pray you open your eyes…

…and you are blessed with all that good parts of you deserve.

I hope you never have a daughter and have her endure

What you have done unto others…

I have so many things to be repentful for, but for that I will repent

And not repeat what I neglected.



I have to thank you for showing me how to love…

…and teaching me that listening to my heart and intuition is true.

You can deny it all you want, but when I stand in front of a podium

Speaking my truth to people and HE who see’s it all…

It is not me who will emotionally have a rise or fall…

I will be proud to say I been through it all!

From birth to my rebirth, I am stronger then ever…

…not you or no one but God and love me better

And the monster that sleeps with you inside your head

And eats at your heart and demons the bind you will

Be there until you realize where you need to be.

You are my one love and I can honestly say

Has shown me how to be independent and open to love.

For that I give my utter thanks and appreciation…

But goodbye for now but never forever…

SO-LO

Edit
"Soul Low" aka Solo
by Lovinia Angela Rodriguez on Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 9:38pm

Here goes nothing,



A drop of the clear salty saline solution secreted by the lacrimal glands

is the theme of today's emotion and the subject at hand.



I have no shame in saying I've cried oceans...

A river is too small for the pain of it all.



I realize I hurt so bad

because I love so hard.



I love so hard

because I need it bad.



Bad, is never good...

and well something good is not always good for you.



My eyes are swollen shut and my ears are ringing...

Heart pounding, soul alone...yea so alone...soul low...I want to live solo.



I have never been the one to let certain things bury me...

but even my heart is scared of me, my minds eyes...

that wisdom that lurks inside.

Dark and uneasy to please...feed me knowledge

and water me with tears.

Watch me grow...after all these years...

I want to be solo...but right now my soul is low.



I see the places I've been

familiar with the places I need to be.

phantasmal and cosmic energy...

Displaced again because of earthly tragedies.

Unhealthy thoughts ravish me to replace...

the peaceful feeling you pretended to gift me.



Now I rather take the pain which is the truth,

use it, flip it, grow and create something the

whole world can habituate...



Your emotions are still local.

The more I become vocal

the less you become heard.

The more I hear you,

the less I care to be near you.

The you I use to love

I could care less to be near you.

Careless you with no Lovey...

I can no longer hear you...

...look around I am no where near you!

Changing...

This is going to be utterly fun!
To watch me transform into a new one and bits of the old one
but none the lesser fun!

My intimate journey of becoming the one and only me, unhinged from
biological tragedy.

I choose me and my only love everything else falls below.

I gave you many chances and a million warnings.
This is not a woman's threat this is psychometric test.

Pass or fail I am no longer your teacher.
Don't blame it on me for all those lame ass grievances.

I never graded you based on your intellect nor did I grade based on
the hexa you give to me because with that direct disrespect
you would hate me.

I care for you too much to directly insult you---
but you revolt me to the core...now I think it's about time to even the score.

You are suppose to be family to me, always praising me on how
genius I am, how I handle men and how I demand to be who it is I am.
Always using me for your sorry schemes and worthless plans.

In the end you wind up dead to me like we aren't even fam.
Can't cry you a river because you always were threatened by me
because HE raised me.

Now back to this changing of "wo"man, I will no longer extend my hand for no man or woman.

This is going to offend some of you as it always has, but I am contriving something magnificent beyond your simple mind and fake ambitions.

In this new agreement is an attrition, to hold me sound to
recognition of my new decisions.

My heart no longer beats the same because pain and adversity had torn the
phila out this part.

I don't love you the same...as the days pass you will fade away---
I cast you off internally now I crusade on to shut you off permanently.

Lyrical

Technically I am suppose to represent.
Fundamentally in every aspect.
Emotionally I can be a train wreck.

--but today I am who I am
So get off my back and neck!

I write my own rhymes about this time and that time.
Your mind and my minds eyes.

Habitual offender---
no love for obvious pretenders
and I will not waste my time
on defending that which is relevant.

Comatose idiot---
Chasing life and dreams way out of your lane.
Come down to reality and litigate the fine lines
between your heart and your obstinate brain.

On a daily you manifest your own destiny.
Through the drought, rain, pain and fears...
I attest you pass this test and you get the best of my true love.

We all come from a higher power celestially
but some live life unsucessfully.
Scientifically--electronegative.
Chemically--equilibrium off wack.
Emotionally--overemotionally for major set backs.

Get your mind right and be ready for the next onslaught,
Say your prayers with potency---and ask for forgivness
for the days you are rickety and give thanks for opening your eyes
and writing another day in your autobiography.

Confused

Unbinded, unhinged, unknowing,
Loved, unloved,
Hate and love,
Loving and hating...
Pain and more painful.
Heart and broken,
Whole and complete.
Mother, daughter, sister, friend.
Unloyal, defiant, challenging.
Faithful, truthful and reliant.
Past, present, future.
History, memories, forgotten.
Patient, overt, outspoken.
Silent, crying, whining.
Happy vs sad
Forced hugs and natural kisses.
Today, tonight...maybe never.
Are you following me?
Can't see how because I can't even follow me.
Come back another day and the emotion will change----

Woooosaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Losing

...damn the devil and his tricksy ways has managed to domainate the scene once again. We have been warned about him again and again but yet he always acts like your best friend. sigh...I'm ready to close this chapter and dead it and let this demon win. Not sure how much more I can pretend to act like I am awaiting my best friend to act like my best friend. I can hardly stand the sight of the weakness that posses any human nowadays--- now to witness who it manifest in drives me insane. No tolerance for what it is I do not deserve but allowing things to become utterly obscured. Punish me accordingly...and maybe even for all for future sins but no longer will I pretend...this thing has to come to an end.

Weary

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT MYSELF BESIDES CHANGE. ON A DAILY I FIND MYSELF CHANGING...SOME WAYS TO SOMEONE I WANNA BE AND SOMEONE I SAID I WOULD NEVER BE. I FIND MYSELF COMPLAINING MOST OF THE TIME VERBALLY BECAUSE THE BATTLE IS INTERNALLY. I ADMIT IT MUST BE HARD FOR SOME TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE...LISTENING TO MY STRUGGLES, STRIFE AND COMING OUT A LIFE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. BUT THEN AGAIN I DONT NEED ANYONE TO HOLD MY HAND NOR DO I FEEL I NEED A MAN...JUST SOMEONE I CAN CRY, TALK, LAUGH WITH AFTER ALL LIFES PROBLEMS AND CARRYING ALL THIS SADNESS. I DONT ASK FOR MUCH JUST TO BE UNDERSTOOD...I GUESS SOME OF MY ISSUES ARE OVERSTOOD AND SOME PEOPLE JUST GET TIRED OF HEARING ME TALK N SEEING ME CRY...SO AT THE END OF EACH DAY I SIGH AND CRYING IN SILENCE. I AM A GOOD WOMAN WITH A HUGE HEART AND A QUICK MOUTH...HURTFUL AND NOT PERFECT BUT WITH THE RIGHT INSPIRATION I AM NOT FAR FROM IT. AS DAYS GO BY I START TO WORRY THAT SO SOON I AM STARTING TO FEEL WEARY. I AM AFRAID TO FAIL IN CERTAIN ASPECTS BUT WHO AM I KIDDING...

Rehab My Soul

They tried to send me to rehab, but I didn't go.
I thought I could fix myself with THC and all that blow.
My mind was flooded with lifes misery, never seeing the rainbow after the rains had made a mess of the earth.
Never stopped to smell the roses because I do not like roses,
oblivious to the beauty it posesses and appreciate the rain that helps bloom.
Now I am at this time in my life where I feel failure and pure doom.
What a mess I have allowed to beleaguer me on a constant.
I have been given many chances to take beryllium and create tenderness
and accept love.
I use to always pray for my heart to be unfrozen and send me someone to love.
I have just that.
He sent me my son,
he sent me this one and that one...
now he sent me him in the purest form of challenging everything about me.
From mental, education, submission, repentive, thankful, appreciative and most of how to test myself in the values of love and let go off all the collateral pain I have seemed to tattoo on my day.
From here on out, I consider myself to be in rehab...
and the cliche of carpe diem, well I will do just that.
Set my goals, live my life, create and be happy.
I have a man in my life who is willing to give me his all and loves me for me and doesn't ask me to change, but one thing...to be happy more often and stop being so dramatic.
I was not always like this.
After losing my Father my heart has been displaces, rearranged and estranged.
I wake up to his man, sleep, eat, laugh, cry, talk, care and love on a daily...he says "most people would love to have what we have"...and honestly I need to learn how to love what we have because it is a beautiful thing.
He does it effortlessly.
Many things try to come between us but the test of ties always hold fast, strong and true.
For the females that had him, want him thank you for not doing what you needed to do.
If you stay connected to him one way or another you have to know he comes home and stays home with me/us our family...you can come and try to give him what he wants or needs I give you my blessing because if I can't make him happy, I love him enough to let him go...
BUT, I've openeded that door for him to leave plenty of times and have done plenty of things to have him close the door in my face---
he knows where he wants to be and knows I love him.
For my faith always is restored because this love is real.

I am now in the process of rehabilitation of my soul.

Proud

I keep giving birth to my stigmata...
yes, a stigma...
blistered with infamy and reproach.
Choking...on my nervous verbs...
Said words, curse words and
more words left to be unheard.
Loud silence lost in my head,
never leaving sound to be dead...
because the silence is loud in my head.
Too deep for you to comprehend.
Trying sleeping in it.
Live awake in it.
I babble about the physics
but not the logistics of the direct
connection from the marrow to my mind.
Always out of line when I speak directly from my philia...
Watching words carefully but acting on my actions...
always hurts someones feelings yo.
I can't deny, lie or hide what you see
fear, pain, confusion but nonetheless decipherable.
Tread through my minds transoceanic---
Sink or swim, lead or follow.
Here today but you can be gone tomorrow.
Prideous does not stand at the door,
it steps on your feet and walks all over you.
Never sleeps because your dreams sometimes
are no match for the deceit your pride lurks
steady by your side...
put it down for a moment, it ain't going no where.

I be...

Focusing my anger into lira.
Monetizing my emotions
as I spit this--
I get paid for this.
Dropping seeds,
Natural born leaders…
Pursue dreams, leaving some behind the scenes
So people with no dream can't see what I see.
Then again you ain't got my third eye.
I do what you can’t do, I just do ME.
You see things blindly---
Demonetize focalized on an idiom
Backyard ghetto slang with no rhythm yo.
Your own nous does not recognize your own mouth.
Nah, idiot I am not misspelling words.
It's called verbs, nouns, grammar and intellect.
Get you some fundamental aspect
and maybe ya’ll stop looking like bullnecks.
Classic lines, to check yo’self
Before you reck yo’self.
Matter of fact scratch that—
Yo’ reckless self is minus one…
Makes you none, no one.
You can’t gas me up…
Got a sponsor that beat you to the pump
Get up and jump
If you feel this offends…
Come with it son,
Dollar for dollar,
Word for word…
Scholar for ummmmm yea
You can't win there---
Two dummies in a pod
2010 still living like slobs.
Ask me about how to get a job
Homie, you are on ya job---
Hater, no ambition
No science, no funds.
No rent, no re-run.
Your technique is weak
Your backbone is weaker.
You are in direct violation of your ancestors and the O.G’s
Ignominy----with that you are dismissed!

"Change Me"

You knew I,
I had my,
My vices you said you could handle it
But you lied
Cause you tried
To change me, mold me and----

Everything you love before you don't love no more
Everything I did for you don't want no more (You don't want no more)
Maybe I'm not kind of girl you've been lookin' for (Oh, oh)
Would you agree So, How can you not see

You know that I love you
You know that I love you
You know that I need you
Your my air girl I breath you
You know that I love you
You know that I love you
You know that I need you
Your my air girl I breath you

Why must I,
Decide on,
Whether I love you or the world
You met me
You fell deeply
In love with me so what is the problem now

Everything you love before you don't love no more (You don't love no more)
Everything I did for you don't want no more (You don't want no more)
Maybe I'm not quit the man that you've been lookin' for
Would you agree So, how can you not see


Why would you wanna change me?
Arrange me? Is that what you call love?
Maybe you need somebody different
Somebody who fits you like a glove
But don't change everything
(Don't change me, baby don't change me) That you love
(Don't change me, don't change me, don't change me) About me

You know that I love you (When you know that I love you)
You know that I love you
You know that I need you
Your my air girl I breath you
You know that I love you
You know that I love you
You know that I need you
Your my air girl I breath you

So don't try'na change me
So don't try'na change me
Why would you chage me
Why would you chage me (Baby I will let you go)
So don't try'na change me
So don't try'na change me
Why would you chage me
Why would you chage me (Baby I will let you go)

So don't try'na change me...

Diary....

Right away I put the "L" in the air to see who would come running! As always a few of the originals and some newbies who want to be my B.
I often call upon the elements of life when I have backed myself into a phenotypic corner. Everyone is asking me why am I single...and all I can say "it's because that is what I am use to being," trying a relationship on for size was new to me.
I cannot blame it on the alcohol or the vices, because it was under control. All I keep coming up with is "transition." More like intonation, because I rise and fall.
Sadly he did not stick around long enough to see the acclivity and witness my own person succedaneum and chose the blue pill instead of the red.
I might have lacked a lot due to my situation but it was all success up ahead.
He met me at the worst time of my life...losing my Father's and a few others. Giving up on my craft and shifting into places where it's dark, damp and cold. But still finding within the depths of my shaken soul and broken heart to try to love.
I promised you plenty--of what it is I can achieve, patients and understanding and the willingness to believe that love is what ultimately I was trying to attain.
Far far far from perfect and a soldier of many, but armor of ancestors who do not allow me to sleep in my thoughts or find comfort in my dreams.
They sent me you---to open the doors to this treacherous place...losing faith but still clinging on to what life for the sake of what is most valuable to me.
Only in my departed soul do my ancestors come to me, speak clearly. The older one who has been with me since the womb...reminds me that all my personal demons do not mean I am condemned, only means I have more opportunities to make mends...but I have been in this life before but this time to find love and not to be afraid to walk through that door --delegate my fear where they belong...binded, unattached, gone.

Conflicted

............

I do it so beautifully,

Take you to this place of pure bliss and ecstasy.

Newness, angels and butterflies

I promise of tomorrow to be better than all your days before

And then back to the log even before it became a door.

Negative none I could careless about you

And have no problem stomping your feelings to the floor..

I argue, curse and fight…

Mainly against myself and I have done plenty to offend.

Where can you find me casually waiting?

Without my staff and rod?

Never.

Be very careful when you walk through this door.

I warned you---some things aren’t as nice as they seem to be…

Pretty face, witty, wifey type and highly intelligent.

She is her own lady and gentlemen,

Heels and a tie or cashmiere and Timbs.

But can love and convince it has no end.

Cozy I am right next to your heart.

Clinching it in my fist sometimes caress

Sometimes I pull and twist it apart.

I can give a new definition to psychosis.

Neurological reverse osmosis.

Not something I can take in doses or milligrams.

Conflicted I am and never not claimed to be.

I gave you the option to stick around and

Get past the pain for all the pleasure.

To accept what was meant to be.

When I loveticly—is when I love…

Like poems and rhymes

Smiles and corny lines…

The sillies and the slurberts

And between the silence

Away from the science of it all

Is the place where I ---

Fall in love with you

Again and again.

Black Roses

Significant mutant poet in empathy

Darkening shadows in a complex sympathy

Death and death black roses on the casket

Cascading of redness of a has been dramatic addict.

The green life in its common sense

Stems from heat and grows through concrete

This poet said:

“If I live a lie then lies I will always live.

Contradiction fuels my addiction to

blame it on the vain and the tenacity.

Far from perfect although if asked

I just might be for the perfect reason

And a perfect time.

How often do we hear to live well…

…and well some of us inject ourselves

with this disease that binds us to this

atomic, toxic, methane polluted terra firma

and we are loyal to the thing called earth?

The land that poisons our body

And taints the soul.

I am Captain, My Captain…self righteously

My loyalty is to thee, my faith, meta-physics

And the love God gave to me.

If you’re measurable then don’t be.

Let your mind flow with infinite probabilities.”

Says; Lovinia.

Wandering awake in my head,

Watering roses just to keep them alive

Long enough to be dead.

Only real pleasure is pricking your finger

Watching yourself bleed, it just became symbolic

Rows of roses and the sun eventually kills

The air sucks their purpose to fragrant the world.

After a few days wilts a rose

that has the battle of the elements but wears its proudly.

For the black rose accomplished it natural duty

And a rose it will always be in this poets writing…

…she request black roses

as a constant reminder of the life of a rose,

tragic right from the dirt it was forced to

live in, grown in and die in.

...to be cont...